An Open Letter to Shohei Ohtani from Jerry Dipoto
Konichiwa Mr. Ohtani,
Hey there Mr. hot stuff Shohei Ohtani, it’s your main boy, A.K.A. your #1 superfan Jerry Dipoto. When I’m not depleting my team of every prospect for some bottom of the barrel bullpen guy, I’m watching you. And I noticed you’re jouzu, very jouzu, in the area of baseball that is. It just so turns out we’re looking for a Japanese Babe Ruth type to come play for the team I’m general manager of, which I’m currently trying to trade for a Chick-Fil-A. If that trade falls through though, I would like you to come play for the Seattle Mariners, A.K.A. Nintendo baseball surprise.
Now, Seattle is a great city, filled to brim with hipsters, coffee, and a 16.6% Asian population (only 11.8% in New York City, so go fugu yourself Yankees). If you like grunge, it died out 20 years ago, so forget about it; except any time the Seahawks play on either Monday or Sunday Night Football, when the broadcast plays this type of music like Seattle is only known for grunge (where’s Jimi Hendrix?). Seattle is like an imitation Japan: where Japan has the big tech giants like Sony and Tenga, we have Microsoft, Amazon, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. We have all of the Japanese amenities to make you feel at home, without being bothered by a Godzilla. What is missing in Seattle is playoff baseball.
For the past 16 years the rest of Major League Baseball has been taking a huge Shinto on the Mariners. The current roster consists of the Dominican All-Star team with Segura, Cano, and Cruz. Cano, the most famous of this trio, known for his relaxed fun spirit and inability to run out a groundout, will hopefully realize at some point he is getting paid $24 million to hit .280. The rest of the underperformers, I mean team, were either beaten as children by a family member (looking at you Corey’s brother), or were involved in scientific experiments where playoff inhibitors were injected into their frontal lobe, preventing them from scoring with the bases loaded and nobody out. So, this is why we need you, Ohtani, to get us over the hump.
“When I saw only one set of footprints, it was when you carried me, Ohtani.”
If you need anything just call my my managerial child prodigy, Scott “I leave the starter in too long” Servias, and he’ll take care of you.
Jerome “I’ll trade my wife Tamie for a 2nd or 3rd rotation starter” Dipoto